letting go

Have you ever gone through the agony of “letting go” of a loved one. Carrying their coffin and lowering it down. Standing at the pyre and watching him becoming embers of flame, smoke, mixing into the wind, and becoming absolute nothing. The pain in your heart choking you till you can’t breathe?

I met Harry, during the summer of 2005. It was a year after I joined med school and I was bored. I wanted someone more alive compared to the dead blokes in anatomy.

I had come home for a weekend getaway and I was wandering about in the familiar alleys of my city. That’s when I saw him for the first time. Harry was built well; his jet back hair was a canopy over his fair face. Oh! it was love at first sight. The instant I saw him I knew I wanted him.

Somehow I gathered enough courage to initiate a conversation. It was my first time, I was under-confident and my fingers were unsteady. But somehow Harry was smooth and he knew exactly what to say for everything.

I went back to college with a heavy heart that he couldn’t come with me. I kind of mentioned him to my dad before I left. Somehow during the week he met my dad, unexpectedly my dad approved, and by the next Saturday we were married. And there was no turning back since then.We watched movies together, read books side by side, and when it was rainy and I was feeling blue we listened to Bryan Adams together. On those cold winter nights I snuggled unto him under the blanket, he was so warm so always reassuring. We were so happy so content.

He was there with me through thick and thin, thru good days and bad ones, thru summer and winter. Everywhere I went he came with me. We played on the sands of Kavarati to on the snows of Manali. We traveled thru 15 countries. Even when I was in my busiest posting, and when I would reach home at 2 am, he would always be awake. Even when I was sick, and all my friends would keep far from me, he would always be at my side.

I first noticed that something was wrong about two years back. The usual chirpy harry started becoming agitated with trivial things; he became lethargic and rather sluggish. On day, Harry was asleep when I came back from work, which was rather unusual knowing him. I tried waking him up, but he just wouldn’t wake up. I got worried. I shook him rather violently, he opened his eyes but shut them again. I rushed him to the nearest hospital. They told me he was terminal.

I wasn’t willing to give up on someone I love so much so fast. I took him to the best centers, they told me there was not much time, and that I should prepare for the worst.

Being a doctor myself, I symptomatically treated him, pushed him through the darkest of days.

One rainy day a couple of months back, we were sitting on the porch listening to Beethoven, he held my hand and told me “Darling, I know I won’t be around for very long, but I can’t go peacefully until I know you are settled and safe. ”

My friends saw my plight and they felt sorry for me. They would set up blind dates for me, but I would never turn up.  Finally, a couple of weeks back Harry asked me to meet this guy he knew, his name was Derrick I agreed to meet him, to make Harry happy. At first I was skeptical, but somehow the more I spoke to Derrick, the more I knew that he would understand the complex situation I was in. How my life was intertwined with Harry’s.

 And thus yesterday, after many meetings I finally overcame the fear and let Derrick hold my hand. I came home yesterday with a heavy heart and told Harry that I had decided to let Derrick in. Harry told me that he was happy; we lay together on my couch listening to “nostalgia” by Yanni. In the morning, I woke up; Harry was unusually cold. I realized that Harry had died in his sleep. But somehow, I knew Harry was happy. I knew I did what he wanted me to do.  

 I will be moving in with Derrick shortly. My resolve is firm, my bags are packed. Slowly I know I will learn to trust Derrick, tell him my fears and secrets. But Harry will always be my first love; my best-est friend and he will never fade from my memory.

 I will always love you Harry.

(Note: Today after 6 years I am replacing my HP laptop (Harry) with a Dell (Derrick).)