Serendipity square

Serendipity Square:

(note: this article was written a year ago, however i could never complete it. today it might seem out of context , but this was one kept me alive during some dark days)




If you have the time, come walk with me, I will take you to my favorite haunt. It’s little off the crowded wall streets where the prim and proper slither around in their killer stiletto’s, well past the buzzing alleys with Chinese soup smell, past the ghetto of “nazi -an refugee” look a-likes, a mile away from the noise and clutter, the chatter and the confusion.


I know the name sounds pretty fake, but please rest your fears. You are in safe hands; I will lead you there. A place where once you reach, you will have no doubts whatsoever. There are no boards, which hoot, “ Welcome to Serendipity Square!” Our destination is marked by an imaginary milestone, where you feel so very calm and in commune with yourself. And when I see a new smile framing your face ;I will let you know that we have arrived.


I must warn you that first looks might not impress you. But I will urge you to wait and just take a whiff of the air. The intriguing aroma of life here, hits you so hard, you feel unstable for a second, and then like an addict you know this was what you were craving for, for so long.


Serendipity Square is this place of tranquil that I have found amidst the maddening crowds. Sometimes, I just have so much time that it entangles me in its tentacles, and make’s my latent analytical neurons fire and charge. And as I start thinking, one thought leads to another, and thus I keep getting lost in space and time.


I glide past events, take relays in and out of memory lanes, ponder into those moments in the deepest sulci of my brain. Sometimes I get enough strength to open up those forbidden Pandora boxes which I have stealthily hidden . And thus having set out so far from my start point I get lost, in the web that my thoughts have woven around me and its so icky at times that I get stuck, or even maybe move around in concentric circles.


You will agree that, sometimes thinking and rationalizing with yourself, ironically doesn’t give solutions, but makes confusions deeper. And for me it is in those moments that I need the space and the calm to smoothen those creases that ornament my forehead, to heal those hurt cords, so that peace will be restored in my battlefield mind.


Thus, when I am in one of those estranged situations; all I want is to leave the blitzkrieg of life behind me and run to this point of solace. I sit here, on these old stone benches and watch life and time pass by. No thinking, no unending arguments in my head. Life just in “pause mode”, muted for a while, till I regain my calm. And thus as I watch the game from the sidelines, things appear clearer, a different perspective, and sometimes, my mind even surprises me with some solutions.




And yet there are those some other times, when I have no issues to deal with, no problems to solve, no answers to deliver, then I just let my mental reel playback in random sequences. Some things catch my attention as they flash past. Some others appear repeatedly, in diverse forms; but a few, they just linger on. And about them I pause, ponder and think, and they bring many a grin to my face.


And looking back, the one thing, which I have spent so much time thinking about is, about love. Many a times I have marveled, sometimes I have despised, I have even occasionally challenged its existence and perhaps scorned it also. However, I am sure I am not the only one who feels so vividly about love. However, on a normal day, the four-lettered word is absolutely magical. The very thought of it makes u feel warm, puts a smile on your face, gives u this feeling of belonging. It drives your head into a paranormal intermingling of thoughts, memories and perhaps emotions. Perhaps, even makes you shed a tear.


Looking at the dynamics, of this mystic emotion. It is amazing, how love works. Although sometimes it appears so static, it is so very kinetic. It literally drives you. And as high as it can lift you up, it can crash you also, with an added negative “G” to its momentum!


But what jarrs me most is, how, despite getting hurt over and over again, people still find it in them to bind their wounds and pick up themselves and start all over again afresh. How they never loose faith in love or its capabilities. And I think it’s this invested quality of human beings, which makes them indestructible and undefeatable. Somehow it is even true that when you have lost the ability to love, you are almost dead.


They say time heals everything. Although that is true, the ugly scars always remain even after light years and they even come back to haunt you. But true love, it heals every ghoulish, pus -oozing macabre wound, and true to its promise, always without leaving stray marks. It erases every rancid memory, all of the molding and fungating thoughts in our brains; it brings you back from the undead, and breathes into you a whole new gush of breath and makes you so absolutely reborn. And it is only when all the old slates our wiped out, all the dramatic slow motion haunting pictures are taken off our mental wall; we start living again with a whole new gusto to life.


Although, the double-edged ness of love has been debated and discussed down the ages, yet it still sparkles with the same newness doesn’t it? Yes, I am coming to the million-dollar question, “ So do u believe in love?” Yesterday, I would have been really curious to know your reply, to know why or why not, to argue and rebuttal with you on the topic because even I have had my share of the bitter sweet escapades of love. I would have even tried convincing you to wear your protective harness before venturing into the furnace of love, before its warmth burns you and finally chars you.








Today, however I am not even going to ask u and I would sincerely pity you if you were going to smirk reading this and mentally note, “ Who believes in love anyways!”. Today is about a tale that I want to tell you. Its not a love story, but a story about love. Although marred by the scars of a bad relationship I had not completely shut out my heart to the healing power of love. I had debated within myself, the classical wars between the head and the heart was over, and mentally I had decided it was safer to stay away from the tentacles of love. However my heart knew that if I were lost in the darkness searching for love then only I would be found only through true love.


And it was one of those days; I was sitting by the pool created by my tears. Serendipity Square was desolate, it was unusually quiet. My mind was pretty numb. And when prospective thinking had ceased, some very old reels started playing in my head. It took me back to a time somewhere long before I lost the innocence of childhood.


It was a time when I was fascinated by the principles of serendipity, and even though I had traveled quiet a distance from there I had kept the idea close to my heart. I sincerely believed in the concept of true love and more importantly I believed that it was only serendipitously that you would reach there, it was not planned or purported. I believed that love is such a true and pure feeling that was beyond our understanding, and the numerous permutations and combinations that we do to attain a successful relationship would never match up to the beauty when we let destiny take over and love happen.


I have been in and out of alleged “love” and its hurt my heart more than anything else. Yet I so deeply believe that I have been with all the wrong people and there is that one prince in shining armor waiting for me somewhere, my very own personal highway man somewhere in those thickets and when he sees me, then all those doubts will vanish and all the pain will fade.


And that day love will be a winner.

(note: this is only part one of the trilogy- How I met my brother –in –law (to be)!

also, jiya-ji=jiju=aliyan=brother in law)

“Life comes down to a few moments. This is one of them.”

Wall Street (1987) – Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen)

Everyone knows my brother in law (to be); he is a “celebrity” in the contemporary literary scene. Everyone knows him, except for me! . No, don’t get me wrong, I am not sad or anything. It’s just that, since my hubby (to be) says that his brother “ shaped ”(pun intended) his life a lot, I was really eager and curious to meet this master craftsman of a brother- in- law. Besides there is this thing .I had always hoped that my brother- in- law would turn out to my best friend.

This “Jiju- my best friend fixation” has been there for a good seven years, ever since my good friend Saira told me how her brother- in- law, her “Chachan”, although seven years older to her was her best friend. Maybe my hormone intoxicated teenage friend was just trying to show off then. But the idea had struck gold with me; it was here to stay.

And finally this year all the stars seem to align. Seven years! Seven years I had waited and finally everything seemed to fall in place .I had finally found the guy I wanted to marry and somehow everything seem to fit in so beautifully. The last piece of the puzzle was my Jiju, and guess what? He is exactly seven years older to me. What an auspicious number- seven? But alas! The glitch was that although I had all the pieces of the puzzle, I could not play the game, because I couldn’t get him to play! Damn.

All this happened because my “jiya-ji” suddenly shot up the pedestal of fame and acclaim and left the country to make home in the “English island” like his other successful counterparts, lest he be massacred by the hoards of his not-English enough fans.

And thus while my sweetheart and I got engaged, my jiju was blissfully unaware of the large acquisition he had just made- a new “sister and friend”. And as Jiju was busy scribbling at his notepad looking at the Thames, I was, toiling the summer heat in central Kerala, hearing stories about him and his beautiful wife from everyone else in the family.
.
Months passed, and I heard more and more tales and anecdotes of his valor and greatness. Of how “Einstein-acular” his intelligence was and how he marched (because he cant drive) all the way from Kerala to Delhis threshold to marry his beautiful Punjabi “Helen” maiden who could stop a thousand elephants with just a look. (To put Greek, into context for my Malayali reader). Time chimed, stories grew; yet I never met him.

Finally one evening I decided to put myself out of this “suspense” torture. Everyone warned me that my efforts to connect with him would be futile, because he is almost always in “Enthiran mode” and he traded his human coat for self-preservation. He apparently attacks with ‘2 play-stations, four laptops and a desktop computer’. And here I was thinking what kind of a guy in his right mind gives up on the “saali tho aadhi gharwali “ offer. Bottom line is “ my Jiju is the Endhiran”!

My river Nile

Here is a tweaky hi, from the tropical rainforest that is currently my new home. It rains here almost round the clock, my skin has hardly seen sunlight, and I have almost become a hibernating lab mouse. And thus while I am still on the throes of confusion and confabulation, I have been urged by a friend to break out of the cocoon that I have weaved for myself and let the bottled thoughts flow like the river Nile.

It has been years since I heard the sounds of life, the heavy raindrops, the morning call of the birds, even the irritating buzz of the mosquitoes that sing to me in my sleep. Six to be precise, six years since I abandoned my human coat, six years since I jumped into that isolated space ship, cutting edge technology they said, “this is what everyone envisions for themselves”, they told me, trusting the world, I left, left everything that I ever was, left everyone I ever knew, lured by the happening life.

The honey moon period ended sooner than I blinked my eyes, life became twisted, knotted, knarled, warped till it started choking, suffocating me. Ah,and “agappe” for which I bartered my life for, sucked the best out of me, left me groping in the dark.
And thus doomed to destruction, and pushed into this isolation, I landed up here lonely and soulless, drifting in this emotional wilderness. The tree of my life, shriveled, the roots parched almost dead, one half of it wishing for that solitary drop of water the other hoping that it would be eaten up or plucked out. The confusion in my mind merging into delirium, eyes closing, passing out, death awaiting, and like a wounded deer, lost in the jungle, too hurt to run away from the cheetah, bleeding, just wishing that the light would just black out… but somehow, instead of the lions a Samaritan came, nursing my wounds, telling me the demons were in my mind.

However, I fail to believe that, there are some foes that I have to defeat, some battles out there that I have to fight, and thus reviving myself, slowly like the phoenix. The hurt and the tears all in the cauldron that is the crucible of my resurrection, adorning the armour that I hope is strong enough, wanting to be the fire spitting dragon again. Here I am once more, charting out a course to challenge life itself, hoping that my river Nile , will quench my parched mind.

(note:this one is quiet old, almost a year back )

An unusual meeting

In the wake of ruckus in my life, I handled the stress quiet averagely. Although, it bogged me down, led me to the nitty-gritty’s, I managed to maneuver my way around the clutter. Somehow, the thought that the tide will change kept me moving. However, even after a year, things seemed low and pale. I started fretting, expecting impatiently for a change.

Ironically, the epitome of disappointment is always the fulcrum of change in life. The tumulecense that makes you mad, the fire that burns you up, somehow sparks those latent neurons and, soon enough there will be the emergence of certain thoughts, which eventually become the foundation stones, to the new castle you will build.

However, even a year after my jet crashed, I lay among the wreckage. I had made doom the axis upon which my life was revolving, and be it the misery or the memory, every small thought was killing me. I decided I needed out, instead of awaiting this slow painful death. I knew, it was the least I could do for myself, and thus without much contemplation, the deed was done. I was loosing my life drop by drop, each tick of the clock making the wait shorter and shorter. I had no fear, no remorse, just the impatience of a school child waiting for the last bell to ring.

And thus, drifting between dark seas, I reached the horizon. I smiled. “This is the end!” I thought. The eerie sound of the silence was almost splitting my drum. To my disappointment, I was lifted up in one strong motion. I was flying. I was riding a black cloud, for an instant I felt like as proud as Achilles. Was I the cloud? Or was I just the water drop, my mind was still vaporous.

Apprehensively, I waited. I remembered, “The end is painful” the dreaded pain was yet to start. Realization struck, the tail end is just the beginning. Unexpectedly, a blinding white light parted the darkness. Shining, piercing. My face became numb, wasn’t I already air, what could happen now? Was it going to be unbearable? The quiet was broken, I thought I could hear someone call, I couldn’t figure out anything. Were they calling for help, or were they trying to help me? Who were they? Where was I galloping? Everything was just buzzing and whizzing and then, black, mute.

Silence again. The silence that once charmed me was making me nervous. In the background, I could hear a certain voice intermittently. It stood out from the rest of them. It was deep, I would say, even commanding; yet it was soft and polite. I deciphered, perhaps a silhouette of compassion in that voice. I started waiting, training my ears to hear it. I could co-relate footsteps to the voice, he wore a pointed shoe, the stride hitting the ground only with the heel, the tip gliding over the marble floor. He was a good dancer I mustered. “Wow! ”I thought, “ a compassionate doctor who can dance, he must be cute too.”

It is true, that woman fall in love with their ears. I haven’t even seen him, yet I anticipated his arrival everyday. Somehow that one-minute gave me a purpose to spend the other twenty-four hours. I knew he would come shortly, when I heard all the other feet strut around, and then silence, then his footsteps, to match with rhythm of my pounding heart.

And then yesterday, I was still in my Dewey slumber, the rains had me so drowsy, and thus while I was just resting my brain after hours of daydreaming. I heard his voice; I thought it was part of my latest dream. He called my name. Even my name, which I detested so much, was like a Bach melody on his lips. He was asking me to open my eyes. The voice was so indescribable; it was charming, smooth and reassuring all at the same time. I mustered all the energy to squint my eyes open.

First nothing, then patterns started to make sense. I saw a blurred image, a figure, a man dressed in white overalls. The perfect embodiment of an alpha male. I felt the same flutter of new found love Yet, my sleepy eyes could hardly stay open.. I think I had a head rush for everything went blank again.

I woke up this morning, with an energy that could surpass even Hercules. my once limp soul geared up, every sinew in my body taut, I felt re-born, like a new breath in my broken body. Today after years I had a plan. I had a one-point agenda, to wait, to wait for those footsteps again.

(note : i had written this six months, and like most of my articles, never published it.. today i thought its time to set her free)

of love ,music and long distance relationships!

I should say that I am an incredibly lucky woman. at twenty three I have found the guy of my dreams. .I  have know him for a decade, first as a senior, then a friend and then now finally  a soul mate.Having had my personal share of relationship drama I know that this is not a flitting and fleeting idea..However, there is a seeming glitch in this . Due to our respective jobs we are separated by a thousand kilometer divide .And thus its a sync between our mobile networks, gmail and twitter that we emote on an every day basis.

If you are pessimistic you would think the relationship would not last, if u are a realist you would say that it isn't soul full enough. But the operative word my friend is that we have another old world tool which most of you deem obsolete , which helps us tide over this distance barrier, and that is good old music.

One night for some reason , my better half couldn't sleep well.He called me three times that night .All three times I woke up , groggily reassured him.Told him how much I loved him. The last time he called i was too deep in my mid summer nights dream, that I  could not even speak, so in my drunken stagger I sang to him, Celine Dions "my heart will go on", and then he slept like a baby right next to me, the thousand kilometers ment nothing.

The next morning he tweeted : just woke up, slept beside an angel.

Today morning  we listened to "when i look at you" by Miley Cyrus  together.He reached his workplace and tweeted:"listening to love songs before work just makes your day"

Music is rightly called the speech of angels. Powerful music just surpasses everything.It lifts your soul, bridges distances and differences. It has the power to heal , to make u feel warm and alive.

I know this sounds like pure marsh mellow mush, but somehow i feel that many years down the lane, i am  going to read this , and its going to put a smile on my face, cos  i will remember that it was only a weird concoction of love and music and twitter that helped us tide through this time!